Ah, modern-day dating. To me, it is like a game of chess, where swiping right is the new wink and ‘ghosting’ is the rather cowardly art of suddenly vanishing off the face of the Earth. ‘Catfishing’ is the new “Please, would you like to get to know me a little better?

By the way, did I forget to mention I’m a svelte Thai model or a glamorous Nigerian prince?”

It’s a world where love can perhaps be found at the flick of a button, but genuine intimacy seems to be elusive as a unicorn in a crowded bar with ambient music and lighting conducive to romantic interaction. And with the time pressures of modern-day living, lining up an intimate tête-à-tête if you’re that way inclined can be easy as ordering an Uber cab.

Yet, despite all the changes, some things remain the same – like the fact I still find dating confusing at times, no matter how I’ve tried to slice it.

In my earlier years, when I was in the dating game, I considered myself rather traditional in style. Indeed, going back as far as I can remember, that means delving back to the last century (worryingly) in the literal sense prior to commencing medical school.

I would be overcome with butterflies after being handed a landline telephone number. This was usually scrawled on the back of a beer coaster or piece of scrap paper. Either would be folded up haphazardly into the back of my Levi’s denim jeans after interacting with that somebody who appealed to me. And vice versa of course.

When I could afford to frequent swankier bars later on, I would revel at the gesture of being handed a business card.

Nowadays, everything is conveniently electronic. After all, I began the dating game where mobile phones were simply a vision on the horizon. When you had locked in a date, it was final.

And out of courtesy, you would turn up on time in that favourite bar or that agreed meeting place. Out of respect, tardiness was almost simply out of the question.

A romantic phone call away from home was made from red telephone boxes with graffiti etched on the metal and perspex. And after a clunking of coins, a series of beeps warned you that your conversation was about to be terminated. “Alas, see you anon”, “Whenever that may be”, “No, you hang up first” and “I love you more than you love me” were common parlance.

It was only the other week when I met up with a close friend. Unlike me, he is actively on the dating scene. He is in search of perfect monogamy. He explained that he had been ‘gaslighted’ and ‘roached‘ during our conversation,

With furrowed eyebrows, I looked at him, perplexed. I admitted I had no idea what he was referring to regarding the latter term.

Lo and behold, he began describing that he had been attempting to woo the heart of a so-called ‘lady’. He later discovered she was a total infidèle. Or the term he coined to describe her was something along the lines of a ‘duplicitous harlot’.

Perhaps a bit firm, but as it turned out, eminently true.

Having initially no idea what he had been referring to, I decided to research some terms myself. I came across 26 commonly used descriptors on how modern-day dating has evolved. Or perhaps, more erudite readers will already be all over this terminology.

Love’s Lexicon – Learning The Language of Longing

So, here are my 26 useful definitions that describe various situations one might find themselves in on any dating scene:

1. Alonemates: This describes the perfect combination of being content with solitude but still desiring companionship and intimacy. It’s like wanting a pizza all to yourself but also realising that maybe it’s nice to have someone to share it with. Or who won’t judge you for gourmandising the entire thing. They say being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely. And that’s the beauty of alonemates. You can enjoy your own company while simultaneously keeping an eye out for that special someone who won’t judge you for binge-watching your favourite show for the umpteenth time. It’s like being a lone wolf but with the occasional howl to let other wolves know you’re still out there.
   And maybe, just maybe, one of them will want to join your pack.
   
2. Astrolove: Ah, the cosmic cocktail for romance, where zodiac signs and birth charts are the matchmakers of the universe. It may not have the scientific seal of approval, but hey, who wouldn’t want to blame their dating woes on planetary alignment? So, go ahead and embrace the celestial dance.
   However, be reminded that although love might be written in the stars, it indeed takes two to tango on Earth.
   
3. Apocalypsing: This is when you channel your inner Nostradamus and predict the end of a relationship before it even begins. It’s like swiping left on a potential partner because your crystal ball tells you that it’s only a matter of time before they break your heart. But let’s be real; if you’re constantly expecting the worst, you’re not exactly setting yourself up for success. It’s like going to a job interview and then telling the recruiter that you’re definitely going to mess up the job before even getting a chance to show what you’re capable of. So, let’s ditch the apocalypsing and embrace the unknown. Who knows, maybe that cute barista you’ve been eyeing will turn out to be the love of your life. Or, at the very least, you’ll get a delectable frothy cappuccino out of it.
   
4. Benching: This involves keeping someone on the sidelines as a backup option while pursuing other romantic interests. You may be ready to enter a relationship, but the fact is you remain on the reserve list. It’s just like a sports player on the sidelines that may be called to action when and if the time is suitable. That’s for them, of course, but not for you.
   
5. Breadcrumbing: Do you remember the tale Hansel and Gretel written by the Grimm brothers? This term refers to sending occasional, flirtatious messages and calls through proverbial “breadcrumbs”. This trail ultimately leads one to a path to nowhere. And through the use of mind games and gestures of genuine intent, it merely keeps someone’s interest without any intention of pursuing a serious relationship.
   I’m afraid there is certainly no gingerbread house that you were longing for. But no doubt, you will be inveigled under the spell of a wicked witch or warlock.
   
6. Cuffing season: This is rather like a physical form when one tries to combat Seasonal Affective Disorder. It refers to periods during colder months (typically autumn and winter) when people seek out committed relationships to combat loneliness.
   After all, two recumbent spoons are better than one, are they not? Or aren’t, as you are destined to be cast aside as the days become warmer and more amorous-looking individuals are on their horizon.
   
7. Catfishing: This involves an array of tactics with the aim of deceiving the recipient by creating a fake online persona to deceive someone into a romantic relationship. The person may use fake photographs, lie about their age or adopt the characteristics of a completely different person. It’s the modern-day equivalent of putting on a fake moustache and glasses to rob a bank. However, instead of cash, the catfisher is after your heart (or purse/wallet). It’s like a real-life game of “Guess Who?” but instead of asking if your opponent has a red hat, you’re trying to figure out if they’re real or a figment of someone’s imagination. And it’s a pretty fishy business. You never know if you’re really talking to a handsome billionaire with a heart of gold or just a bored teenager with a lot of free time and a ‘photoshop’ subscription.
   Remember, not everything that glitters is gold. Nor is everyone who claims to be a supermodel actually is a supermodel (shocking, I know!). Perhaps that gentleman is, unfortunately, wearing a pair of socks down his underpants?
   
8. Cushioning: This involves maintaining flirtatious or emotional connections with multiple people. It aims to ensure a backup option if a current relationship ends. Essentially, your dating companion keeps other people on the side while surreptitiously, you will always remain their Plan B.
   
9. DTR: This stands for “define the relationship.” It involves having an in-depth conversation to establish a relationship’s nature, boundaries and commitment level. The dialogue can be nerve-wracking and fraught with uncertainty, with a risk that one or both parties may feel rejected.
   Are the couple now in an established relationship at the exclusion of all others? Maybe there is an element of polyamory involved? Or are they still just casually dating with nil firm ties?
   
10. Ex-cycling: This term refers to getting back together with an ex-relationship despite past problems. It defines a cycle of breaking up. It’s like riding a bicycle but instead of going somewhere new and exciting, you’re just pedalling in circles with your ex. It’s like the dating equivalent of ‘Groundhog Day’.
    It’s where every day feels the same and you’re just waiting for something to change. So, perhaps you should break the cycle and move on to greener pastures? After all, plenty of fish are in the sea and you don’t want to be stuck fishing in the same old pond. Who knows, you might just catch a bigger, better fish that’s worth keeping.
    
11. Flexting: These individuals boast or exaggerate one’s accomplishments or attributes through text messages or online communication to impress a potential partner. The art of showing off your wealth, status and accomplishments on social media in an attempt to impress a potential romantic interest. It’s like peacocking, but instead of feathers, they use selfies in front of luxury cars and holiday photos from exotic destinations. It’s like saying, “Look at me, I’m a catch”, without actually having to do anything impressive in real life.
    It’s the modern-day equivalent of wearing a Rolex to a first date, but instead, you’re just casually dropping hints of your lavish lifestyle on Instagram. So go ahead and ‘flext’ away, but just know that if your only flex is a filtered photo of your smashed avocado on toast. You might want to reconsider your marketing strategy.
    
12. Ghosting: It’s nothing really new in the world of today’s dating culture. It refers to the sudden ending of all communication with someone without any explanation or warning. That is texts, calls, e-mails and perhaps even carrier pigeons. It leaves the other person bewildered about what they may have done wrong.
    It may be deemed as a form of psychological cruelty through feelings of being deserted and abandoned. So, abracadabra, your date has disappeared without a trace!
    
13. Kittenfishing: This term refers to dating an individual who exaggerates or fabricates aspects of one’s persona or appearance in an online dating scenario. It’s a more subtle version of ‘catfishing’, where someone pretends to be someone entirely analogous to a ‘split-personality’ disorder.
    Regardless, it still involves presenting a false version of oneself to potential partners.
    
14. Love-bombing: I would like to think of this as a romantic grenade or impressive pyrotechnical display. Perhaps, they tell you they love you when you can barely remember their surname. It involves overwhelming someone with affection, attention and grand gestures at the beginning of a relationship. You find the situation emotionally stifling, feel manipulated or not feeling in control. Then, when they have exhausted themselves into oblivion, they may disappear without a trace.
    True love should not be about grandiose displays but should be based on mutual support, trust and respect. Or perhaps, I am being cynical and love does actually occur at first sight?
    
15. Orbiting: Like a form of ghosting, this involves continually monitoring someone’s social media posts and online activity without engaging or directly communicating with them. The person ‘orbits’ your existence but never attempts to engage in any meaningful conversation. Neither do they make any genuine connection with you.
    
16. Paperclipping: After ghosting someone, the person returns to their life and acts as if nothing happened. Again, it’s another form of emotional manipulation. They may like or comment on one of your social media posts in an attempt to reach out to you in a seemingly innocuous fashion. The bottom line is that despite the attempt to reconnect with you in whatever fashion, they may be seeking some form of validation.
    However, they have no demonstrable intention of rekindling the relationship.
    
17. Phubbing: You’re both locked into that coffee date or meal at a favourite restaurant. The ‘phubber’ will ignore someone during a date or conversation. They create a digital barricade with actions such as focusing on one’s portable device instead.
    It’s one of today’s modern-day scourges, where a digital-technical third wheel can thwart the most romantic moments when you are supposed to be living for that moment in intimacy.
    
18. Pocketing: This rather obscure term refers to keeping a secret individual from friends and your loved ones. Perhaps, they are dating somebody else, but you haven’t introduced them to your close ones. And more importantly, you are not sure they ever will. “Alas, am I really like Ugly Betty?” or “Was I wearing malodourous cologne or garish makeup?” are questions you may ponder over about yourself.
    
19. Relationship anarchy: This refers to a philosophy of relationships that takes a sledgehammer to the traditional models of love. And smashes them into tiny pieces. It’s like a revolution in the dating world, a rebellion against the societal norms that have controlled our love lives for centuries. There are no rules, no predefined hierarchies and no expectations. Relationship anarchy requires a high degree of communication, self-awareness and personal responsibility. It’s like being a tightrope walker, balancing between your own desires and needs and those of your partners. It’s like being a love anarchist, a rule-breaking rebel with a cause.
    Who knows, you might just find the romantic or platonic partnership of your dreams. Or you might just end up with many great stories to tell at get-togethers.
    
20. Serendipidating: This is the dating gamble or a modern version of Russian roulette. It’s where you keep delaying dates in the hope of waiting for Mr or Ms Perfect to fall from the sky. However, note the spoiler alert – they won’t.
    
21. Submarining: This involves disappearing without warning after a few dates or a short relationship. They then reappear later as if nothing happened. There is no subtlety involved and eventually, submarines will vanish back into the shadows in the depths of the ocean, so their re-surfacing was never an attempt to connect with you in a genuine fashion.
    
22. Slow fade: This gradually involves tapering off communication and engagement with someone without formally ending the relationship. Happening over time, this form of painful recession is a way of softening the blow of a breakup.
    
23. Textlationship: This is a portmanteau of “texting” and “relationship”. It refers to a romantic or intimate relationship that primarily exists or progresses through the use of SMSs. For some, it seems the perfect solution for those who want the thrill of romance without any physical contact or emotional depth. Who needs eye contact or reading body language when you can just stare at a screen all day and tap out “❤️”, “😘” or “😍” emojis? It’s like a game of emotional chicken, where the first person who suggests meeting in person loses abysmally.
    Don’t forget the joys of ‘autocorrect’, where a single misplaced word can turn a sweet message into something that would make your parents frown.
    Furthermore, don’t forget to charge your phone, as the last thing you want is for your relationship to fade away before it has even begun.
    
24. Throning: It’s rather like the individual who is trying to climb the echelons of success. Although rather, they are using you to attain it. As pessimistic as this may sound, they are only attracted to your biceps or boobs, not your brain, your profession, social status, the car you drive, or your bank balance.
    Rather than because you are a real person with genuine intent.
    
25. Vulturing: This term pertains to preying on somebody who recently emerged from a relationship for rebound purposes. They might be interested in you because they temporarily like you, but they see you as an easy target for a rebound hookup or a casual ephemeral interaction.
    
26. Zombieing: These individuals resurface in someone’s life after ghosting them, often without any explanation or acknowledgement of the previous disappearance. The zombie may try to deceive you into thinking they are a new person and that they never intended to ghost you.
    Whether you believe them or not is up to the individual that was abandoned in the first instance.

Befuddled, Bewildered Or Bemused?

So, after having read this, you may remain as obfuscated as me. Well, don’t worry, I still am and this list is by no means exhaustive I can assure you.

Or if you’re not inclined to date a real person at all, ever, maybe you assuage your anxiety by dating an A.I. model? With the increasing popularity of dating apps, the use of A.I. in online dating is revolutionising how people connect and find potential partners.

(You can read more about my Artificial Intelligence blog here).

What about you or your close ones? Perhaps, if you’re on the dating scene, you can now be more descriptive about the situation you’re finding yourself in. And if all is going well, I wish you my very best.

Put a little time and effort into updating your dating profile and who knows, you might end up having a few interesting conversations and maybe even a great story to tell your close ones. At best, you could end up meeting the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Just be prudent in choosing those 250 or so characters and finite images that define your persona in its entirety. It may prove to be a minefield. Maybe less is more?

So, go forth and swipe right and left. Go online and offline then back again. Or perhaps, having swiped or scrolled down this far, you are left undecided?

Your thoughts and comments are welcome below.

Perhaps you can add further definitions to my urban dating dictionary?

About the author

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Dr Surrinder Singh is a medical doctor, blogger and freelance writer. He is passionate about healthcare, medicine and education and works professionally with B2B and B2C clients.